After years and years of public entries, I've finally decided to make this journal
Not only for the protection of the young but for the innocent as well.
LiveJournal for Kindra!!.
|Tuesday, April 29th, 2008|
After years and years of public entries, I've finally decided to make this journal
Not only for the protection of the young but for the innocent as well.
|Monday, April 30th, 2007|
On my birthday, January 7th, at midnight hour which would lead the day to the next, I slipped through some sort of vortex hour glass shaped black hole thing. This passageway opened to a new reality, a new way of life and a new method for living. I knew that it was going to happen and i'd taken some rich acid a few hours before and once I slipped from the universe of the dark into the universe of the light, I knew it was the end of my old life and the beginning of the new.
I threw away my cigarettes.
The wind screamed and screamed, as if the dark side was discouraging me and telling me not to go, that I would fail and I would come back, furious that I had crossed over but I stood strongly before the hateful wind, already having won salvation.
I cut off my dreads to the roots of my hair.
That was about 107 days ago and I haven't smoked a cigarette or any amount of weed, haven't had any form of alcohol or indulged in any other sort of substance since I went through that vortex and came down from the acid.
I live happily and peacfully in a lovely home with my boyfriend Kiran where we love and play games with the universe. The fairy tale has begun
|Wednesday, November 1st, 2006|
some children have parents who are there to support them, to love them unconditionally through all the bitterness and turmoil they are posed with daily. some children's parents buy them cars for their 16th birthdays or let them have a place to stay and warmth and comfort when they truly need it. Sometimes, these children, whoes parents aren't completely jewish, lend them money and help them out when times are dire because the love and support of a parent is irreplaceable.
me: mom, would you kick me 3 bucks for the bus?
bitch: i'm really broke right now kindra
me: it's three fucking dollars you jewish piece of selfish inconsiderate DRIED VAGINA BLOOD
and now my father is saying, "oi, you gimme 300$ for bailing you out of jail... NOW." and I respond that i don't have any money, i'd already given him my entire savings but he doesn't care that to me, 300$ is inconcievable or that it may have just been kind and supportive for him to help me out of jail. he just wants his money.
why do both of my parents care more about money then their first born? Never in my life have I asked those sticky fools for ANYTHING.
THIS IS WHY I TOLD THEM I DIDN'T NEED THEM TO BEGIN WITH. FUCK YOU ASSHOLES.
|Monday, June 12th, 2006|
Living every day in and out just waiting to see what will happen next isn't all it's cracked out to be.
one, i'm always poor and this is because I am lazy and am, truly, trying to get myself a job just not at the extent I should be
two, what am I waiting for? Why am I still going?
I became rather irritated with myself the other day when I smoked several bowls with a few kids off the bricks and then wondered off to try and reason with myself on the order of what I'm doing. irritated because I couldn't figure out what the hell I wanted.
Even still, I'm not quite sure.
I have an interview tomorrow at Sally's because beauty products are my natural calling and if I don't fuck it up this time, I will have a job that I really like. Plus, I need to pay Stephanie who is the man the rest of my months rent because I live in her little apartment and I can't keep stealing glass beads in exchange for housing.
The living situation is great though. I live with
Stephanie, Lester and occasionally cute small mary even though she's going to japan tomorrow and stephanie wants to kick lester out.
Lately, it's been hard to get her out of my head. I told myself I'd write off the human emotion thing, that I wasn't going to get involved in anything that had to do with tender feelings. And then, she began sleeping on the futon I rent out. We run around town together looking for people to smoke us up for free and for girls who want to have a good time and over the course of a week with this girl, i suppose i fell for her. this i understood finally last night when we were all hanging out at our house and some dull neighbor girl happened to be at out house. Lester started macking on her and sure enough, got her lip locked in the main room after about half an hour. As they left to go screw back at the other chick's apartment, I stood in the bathroom in a fit of jealousy, anger, frustration and depression, left over from the salvia we had smoked and the sense of betrayal lester deserted me with.
I sat on the couch while Stephanie held me and told me that lester was a bitch and made me mate tea, babbling on to will about lonliness and isolation and how human emotions render me so weak...
After Lester came back, she told me things like how the girl was a terrible lay and how she'd randomly think of me in intervals and how she hadn't met anyone as cool as me in years blah blah blah... and I responded by once again, trying to deny my emotions and telling her that it doesn't matter, that's who she is and what she does and that won't change, but i had realized how emotionally attatched i was to her when she took off with someone else.
We layed and embraced each other, agreeing that neither of us wanted a relationship of any kind and what we had, more of a close bond, was perfect enough. I asked her if she'd be my suedo-girlfriend and she said she'd be honored.
BUT WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??
We made out more this morning than we usually do. I guess it just means that we'll still hold each other, be close to one another, adventure together and fuck together just labelless and free to do whoever else.
I'm so caught up in my emotions and what I want/don't want. I'm living every moment of my life in the now and disregarding possible future estates.
Stephanie keeps getting crushes on impossible coffe shop/deli boys and we act out these mad intricate schemes to try and hook them up. Stalking has reached a new level of cuteness.
Fuck salvia. I didn't even know it came in a flaky black substance and i sure as fuck didn't know i was going to trip out so hard on it. Will allowed us to his small stash and as I sparked and inhaled it deeply, expecting a rush, The world around me fell and slivers of my body began to peel off in various colors as I was slammed into an out of mind dimension and into a fever dream esque reality. I couldn't move my body parts until about 50 seconds later when I curled into the colored chair outside and began to rock nervously, asking the two people around me what the fuck had just happened. i also noticed it depressed the fucking daylights out of me and so, to it I say, "fuck you salvia and your semi conscious terror dream psychadelic tendancies, fuck you."
I need some money and so therefore i will work in beauty retail.
do somethings never change?
|Friday, May 26th, 2006|
I think i am changing. Mentally and aesthetically. This change is not severe, I still know myself and all the beliefs that i hold and exactly what the fuck is going on but, goddamnit.
fucking... hemp necklace and fucking hiking in the mountains gearless and the mushrooms and the no shoes, the plants, the mushrooms and fuck, the tye dye. I never would have known that i could look so studly in my black clothes and my wife beaters beautfifully tye dyed?
Perhaps it's all the influence of Stephanie, whom i love dearly and who in which is lending her futon to my sleeping habits. She's pretty much an insanely beautiful person.
i learned recently on my hippie voyages that there is this mystical feral hippie association squad that live high in the mountains and they are known as rainbow kids.
But I will never convert to the ways of the wandering and dredded, even though dread locks are insanely attractive, for but one miserable thing.
I REALLY GREATLY DISLIKE HIKING.
on a similar note, i got a shirt at savers that stated simply, "fuck yoga." I thought it was hilarious to I obtained it.
Now, I just need a job. The two perfect jobs completely fell through and although I am pissed off about it, so I guess I will get some really crappy high paying job until i can do something else.
I have a drivers liscence.
One of these days I'm going to go to westminster campus and take my ged test so i can go to school elsewhere.
too fucking busy laying around and getting sunburnt and swimming in random pools and living and fucking around and, shit.
everyone come to the creek fest because i think i will be there all weekend, maybe possibly.
But the church club is both free and goth night in sunday nights so from here on out, that will be a weekly event for me.
days keep passing and the routine is returning
|Friday, May 19th, 2006|
|Tuesday, May 16th, 2006|
there's just too much to compact into one journal entry all the shit that i've done over the last two weeks.
I've been couch/bed surfing, hanging out with anyone i run into and living each day not knowing how it's going to end, which makes everything much more interesting, that's for damn sure. I wonder pearl street and socialize with the grungy locals until someone cool happens by and then we run off and smoke weed.
I went to queer prom and met some cute kids and one crazy bitch who wanted my ass. I've been to denver and boulder and back again and i still don't exactly know where I am.
I'm working on getting a job, since i kind of fucked up my interview at fascinations by getting there late, i'm working towards art hardware and in the mean time, living my stupid little life to the fullest extent possible.
what am i doing and where am i going?
answers are so faulty and everything is always changing.
I got a little money. I want to go clubbing or raving. or get a snack.
hung out with eric last night and we broke into a ritzy hotel pool and swam around, which was splended, but now i'm in gunbarrell and i need to get out and go to boulder.
i always find myself in boulder.
Kelly, you should ditch your idiot girlfriend and come live in boulder because it's a lot fucking cooler than lake fucking city and all you do is work and sleep.
oh, and in case anyone didn't get the memo, my new cell number is 720 891 7325
if you call me, i will come to your house for a night and keep you entertained.
|Sunday, May 7th, 2006|
|my father is an alcoholic and all i found in his idiotic house was an empty bottle of vodka. fortunatley there was some hidden hydrocodone and some dank ass nyquil stashed in seperate bathrooms. stupid fucking drug addictions being my stupid ass escape from the pain that i feel. tomorrow will be better and in a half an hour i will have forgotten everything stupid fucking kelly said to me.|
there's no saying who
caused all this
perhaps time and distance and the realizations humans have
disregard sublime nostalgia and hack away at the overgrown undergrowth
uncovering a clearing of new tundra
snapped and trampled and dead foliage
it won't be forgotten so easily
no one is a warrior
allowing the undertow to drag us under and when the hurricane hits
whatever is left is what must be rebuilt
she's happy. she loves her. she told me to stay and to call every so often to check in, but what reason i'd have to do so, i haven't found yet. the difference between love and "in love" apparently is more extreme than i'd thought.
but it'll be for the better, of course, so she and everything points to.
but my world and my home were snatched away and she's not "in love" with me anymore, rendering me without any security or sense of home.
my definition of home is somewhere one goes to feel loved and secure. And my home fucked me over and fell in love with another sickening human being.
so fuck you.
after all this,
you want me, you don't. your love me, you don't.
i love you and hate you and all i can say is
if i came back to fight for my home, my home would push me away. no, we can not be friends.
i'm sorry steven, burrito, kittens...
returning to florida is no longer a priority of mine.
i suppose true love is not forever.
the last thing i will remeber is
... will you come back today?
|Wednesday, May 3rd, 2006|
|my new cell number is 720 883 4109. i'm leaving for the bus now. be there in two days. whoever wants to play with me, give me a call|
|Friday, April 21st, 2006|
florida fell through, so i'm taking a bus to either denver or sanfransico. it's probably going to be denver because i was told i needed to leave today and can't come back.
kelly is a blind fucking whore who doesn't know what the hell she's doing with her life and should have thought her shit through before she moved me down here with me and then decided to cheat on me and break up with me with the girl who was a decent friend of mine.
I HATE DRAMA. MORE THAN ANYTHING. MORE THEN BUSH BECAUSE AT I LEAST I'M NOT AROUND HIM.
Fuck this noise. Fuck all of it. i'f i'm getting kicked out of my "girlfriend's" house and can't come back because she fucked someone else and wants me out, then i'm dead out of this fucking shit town.
my dear friend hanna spoke with me after kelly dropped me off at the store, delerius and a wreck, and gave me probably the best thing anyone could have given me. with the dearest honesty she looked me in the eye and said, "now's your perfect chance, kelly did you a favor. go to sanfransico." Something I had been seriously contemplating before became an extravagent possibility. She continued, "you could go and stay in a hostel and then work for the hostel in exchange for a place to stay, Do whatever you want from there. new scene, new people."
I've thought about it intently. however, i don't have a lot of money right now and i still need to buy a bus ticket. And going to denver is cheaper than going to sanfransico. Perhaps I'll go back to Boulder for a little while and then later on get to california. it's pretty cheap. And there's a greyhound station down the street. 1800 231 2222. it rocks.
ticket to denver is 167, i'm pretty sure, but i also have the dilemna of my cat, and whether i can take her on the bus with me for two days or not, I don't know.
But I'm coming back, I'll get to denver in a few days. anyone want a roommate?
HAPPY 4:20, BITCHES!
I regret that of all the days i could come back to boulder i get there AFTER 4:20, and I had a great time for about 4 hours of the day. Of course I missed both times of the day, but chris and i decided we could just go home and set the clocks back which i thought was ingenious.
Ash and Chris rock. They're a pair of some of the cutest kids I've ever met and they are allowing me to stay with them which is marvelously kind. I want them both, seriously bad. Anyway,
I WENT AND SAW ALEX GREY TALK ABOUT SPIRITUALISM AND ACID!!!
he was AMAZING. Alex Grey is a really sexy old hippie with hair to his ass and a lot of intellect. he had a slide show of artwork and he spoke of his life and his thoughts and his acid trips and his artwork and how amazing the new TOOL CD is (WHICH COMES OUT ON MAY 2ND). And the single is phenomenal (VICARIOUS=NOT SUCK). Anyway, Alex Grey is AMAZING and I got him to sign my Lateralus booklet to me and I hugged him and he smelled good. *gutteral moan of sensuality*
I'm at Ash and Chris' now and i'm preoccupied.
|Sunday, April 16th, 2006|
on thursday we went clubbing in gainesville for gay night at the UC club.
we met up with some friends and then all decided to go back to our house to hang out.
At around 3, kelly's cousin, are cute queer friends chris and ash and i met up in front of our home.
3 hours later, kelly and lauren still hadn't shown up. I probably left 20 messages on lauren's cell phone, asking them where they were and when thy'd get back. At 7, ash, chris and I drove around looking for them, eventually finding out where lauren lived through a few contacts and drove to her house where her car was parked in front.
i walked through the open front door and into her room where I found both lauren and kelly, sleeping, wearing very little clothes. It's hard to recollect what i did next, betrayal and infuriation took over me and i jumped on kelly, strangling her and screaming things like, "who the fuck do you think you are, what the fuck did you do" ect. I wound up back outside and lit a cigarette through all my anger while ash went inside to see what could be done. A half hour later, kelly came outside to face me, apologizing and telling me that she needed it. I asked her if she was breaking up with me and when she said yes, i jumped on her again and started slamming my fists into her head, trying to hit her freash eyebrow peircings, but instead just bruising the rest of her head. when ash and chris pulled me off of her i screamed a final "fuck you" and then got in the car and drove back home.
kelly is staying at lauren's house while i lay in our bed, crying, resorting to any kind of self mutilation and drugs i can think of and sleeping and sleeping. She came over the day after telling me that she loves me, that she can't live without me, that she knows she fucked up and that she doesn't want to lose me but that she needs a break and a little more experience. I told her I would not wait for her, tearful.
She comes over randomly, to pick up her clothes and the such, and when she sees me at work she smiles at me and tells me that she misses me and things about lauren that annoy her. When I see her at work, I want to destroy everything in my path because I can see them, absent mindedly cuddling and kissing.
I tried to destroy her things but for some reason, couldn't bring myself to damage any of her cd's, dvd's, or smash her perfume because I LOVE HER.
I never ever, fucking knew I could want to kill someone I loved so much.
I don't know what's going to happen now. I'm not going to leave because SHE fucked up.
The floor of our room is spotted with blood and I haven't eaten in three days.
|Tuesday, March 21st, 2006|
this is my current obsession: http://www.apple.com/jp/quicktime/trailers/toho/nana-movie/nana_large.html
the freaking manga isn't even out in english and there's already a live action movie of it in japan.
I need to find some fan translations of the comic so I can bathe myself with the happiness that this story fills me with.
for those who know nothing, it's about two girls: the first a middle class normal drama ridden school girl moving to tokyo, and the second, a parentless bombshell of a punk rocker girl who has a tattoo of a lotus flower and is also moving to tokyo. They are both named Nana.
Anyway, they meet on the train and then just so happen to find the same apartment and decide to move in together. And steamy lesbian undertones ensue along with a lot more drama.
I'm so hot for goth nana, I want to throw myself into a hole.
|Sunday, February 12th, 2006|
ALEA!!! Call me back again!!
I heard your voice everytime you tried to call back and kelly and i were SCREAMING into the phone, but you didn't hear us...
I feel like shit.
in and out, all over, sore, aching, mentally shitty.
kelly is sick and so i think now i am sick and work does not soothe the sickly soul
i fell into unreasonable depression last night, insomnia hit and only dead hatred for myself keep my eyes from closing. I fuck myself up, and I hate myself for it. I am so undeserving of everything I have what with the shit that I do. So I draw angry little pictures and think heavily about blood baths.
Once upon a time, I knew some people. Now, I wonder what my life would have been like if I had stayed friends with that particular "group" of entities, although when I knew them I was a very stupid, annoying, and pointless little girl. I hate the thought. I hate that these people just keep on going and going and nothing ever changes for them and they have a wonderful time. And I'm so fucking glad that I found someone else.
I miss Boulder. But I hate so many of the people that live there. I hate a lot of memories and love many more. Perhaps I hate them because they are gone now, and I will never, EVER see any of them again. Perhaps I'm sick because I feel like everywhere I go, I'm still being held back and there's no such thing as freedom that I once thought there might be.
Even at home, kelly and I eat, sleep, and work. We never see steven because we all work different shifts and when we do see him, he's an asshole because he just woke up. I want to turn the place where I live into a place where I feel remarkable, artistic, and free being. But even still, this is not my own house. I have my own room but the house is not really mine to BE WHAT I AM in. Someday. We will have more money and find more fun jobs and love what we do and I can draw and make clothes and cut hair and do tattoos for a living and be happy and not stuck.
everyday is the same fucking thing over and over and over again and I left the one place I called home to try and get away from that, where I have relocated and am still slave. Can I not ever escape it?
I'm still depressed.
I am still currently not at all fond of myself.
it's been a while.
|Friday, February 3rd, 2006|
Still, I do not have the computer set up at the house. In fact, While Kelly was screwing with the tower in attempt to make it work, it blew up a little and spewed sparks all over the carpet. Apparently now, it's fixed, because her father is a computer handyman. All we need now is some high speed service and the actual computer back and THEN, I'll be all over the internet and aim. Just you all wait.
My job is rather boring. Rather boring indeed. In fact, today I was sitting there wondering why I even work here to begin with and then they handed me a check for $500 and I figured it out.
Now that I have money, I can pay my rent and buy some food! What a common life I lead...
In recent updates, I met this really cool lady at Lowe's, who approached Kelly and I because we were dressed in our normal dark garb and started talking to us because cool people recognize cool people. Turns out she recenntly moved her as well from Brooklyn and she set up a little shop of neat jewelry and trinkets on the little backwater old people strip mall. That was a few months ago.
I found her phone number in my wallet and called her up and now we've been hanging out. I found out that she did drugs and there lied a nice common ground and a week ago we picthed on half an ounce that I got from a guy at work which actually turned out to be pretty dank, although it was rather stemmy.
Now I think I'm going to be finding myself hanging out in front of her store often because she and her boyfriend are just that cool. She asked me to design an open/closed sign for her and also to draw on her windows and told me that she's pay me via marijuana as soon as she gets her first source of income. This, I think, is awesome.
So life is nifty. Kelly, steven and I eat, sleep and work with ease and hang out when we're not doing either of the above. AND Kelly is working with me at Virgin Mobile again so I get to see her a lot!
Kelly and my 2 year anniversary is on tuesday. Sadly enough, I have to work so we're planning on doing something nice and sweet on monday. I love Kelly more than I ever have, she is my everything and my complete whole. <333<333 mush mush.
Today I watched a short documentary on people who throw fish at each other.
And I love it when people call me so if you're reading this, FREAKING CALL ME!!!
I'm a happy person, at the moment.
|Thursday, January 19th, 2006|
|Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006|
oh, new years was fantastic. kelly, steven, brayton and I spent the whole night playing trivial pursuit. We didn't even notice the time until it was about two and then we all just shrugged and continued playing the aformentioned useless fact bored game until we all fell asleep at around 5. no alcohol, no drugs, no wild partying, no countdown, it was FANTASTIC.
on a less sarcastic note, i'm going to be 18 in four days. it seems stupid, doesn't it? that i'm JUST going to be turning 18 and that i'm not already... to me it's just big gateway to cigarettes, porn, clubs, and the wide world of body ink, but in a sense, that's pretty much what it is to everyone else as well. all i asked kelly for when she sked me what I wanted was a tattoo, but I think I want to go paintballing as well and we're pretty sure Brayton will be willing to take us.
oh, and a little money making idea for those still in Boulder:
Boulder Game Force will buy Metal Slug for the AES (neo geo home system) for 500$ straight up. You can find that game on ebay for 200. Do the math. So if you have 200 bucks you're willing to spend for about a week... there's much profit involved. We were going to do it and then something like we moved to florida got in the way.
Willow is a heroin addict and I watched stupid ass serenity and joss whedon can take my fist into his prostate.
oh yeah, kelly and I work for Virgin Mobile as tec supportees and this faggy gay boy at my work thought I was omg 2 cool 4 w0rdz!! and invited me over to hang out with him some time. but i don't think i will. I'm also making decent bank by drawing people pretty pictures and over charging them. Fantastic. I think my recent surroundings have taught me some quite interesting con-techniques, but I can't delve into such a topic over such a medium as livejournal.
i'm bored, so people reading this should call me because we don't have long distance on our phone and I'm bad at calling people anyway.
DO IT NOW.
|Sunday, December 25th, 2005|
|Friday, December 2nd, 2005|
I'm back home, in the place on this earth that I can honesty without trouble call "my home." The house that I live in with Kelly and Steven, my best friends and now trusty roommates. God do roommates suck. Leaving their shit all over the place and never cleaning up after themselves... *playful chortle*
Anyway, I got a job at Subway, which is retarded, but more fun than Claire's or telemarketing. And on the plus, I get very well fed, with the ease of eating cookies all day and bringing home a footlong to my love after everytime I work.
Fortunately I have another job lined up with is text support for virgin moblie and it pays much better than anywhere else around here will provide. Both Kelly and I work the two weeks of Christmas, including all day Christmas day, but 10$/hr for 80 hours will leave us with an aproximate fifteen hundred dollars after two weeks. And that's nice.
All I can talk about is money. Stupid, no?
Anyway, our computer isn't set up yet. I can only do this now because Kelly's brother showed up randomly at three in the morning last night in the middle of our Buffy watching scapades and set up his laptop.
Pretty much all I've been doing since I came back is working, sleeping, and watching Buffy. Occasionally we go to Walmart, which brings me to my next sad point: The town we live in isn't really a BAD town, despite the fact that I can't understand what anyone says because they're either too southern to be considered human or they're black and as hard as I try, I fail miserably at the whole ebonics thing. It's just that there's NOTHING HERE. There's a walmart... and a few gas stations. The way that I look at it, it's a lot like living in Frederick, but when we lived there, we were going to Longmont, Boulder and Denver every other day. THINGS HAPPENED. Everyone I live with gives me shit, telling me I hate it here and I should have stayed in Colorado, which, of course, is very silly, but there's a closeby neighboring college town which I'm quite enthusiastic about exploring, even though no one else really cares.
So I'm fine, I'm doing quite well, I'm just a little stir crazy living in hickstown and being a born and raised college town girl. *chews on dogbone* whatever, when we're better established I'll go seek excitment.
I only have a month left until I turn eighteen and I've heard from the security guard at the Gainsville Mall that there are some good clubs in that town. I will live it up. I've also made it clear to my dear girlfriend that all I want for my birthday is a tattoo, so she's going to assist in the payment for that.
I miss every one still in Colorado dearly (and one person in Germany) with the exception of a lot of dumb fucks, but if you're reading this, you're probably one of those special ones. Mari, all I've been doing is watching Buffy, and I'm halfway through the fifth season at this point. All I can say is, what the fuck do you see in Angel? He's a big mopey brick. Spike is so much hotter it's unsurpassible. You're retarded and I love you.
Oh, I lost me glasses in the fucking Tampa bay while I was living like a spoiled little rich kid at Kelly's brother's, and I need more. I found some ugly backups that make me look like a skeptical librarian, but they just won't do forever. Gotta gets them emo frames to feel like a real boy again.
Does anyone else hate laptops? I'm having so much fucking trouble typing on this bitch. Plus, this stupid paper wieght is victim to an AOL service, which makes it all the better. Retarded.
I wonder if there's any OASOS type things out here... I kinda want to meet people, establish a few friendships and a few drug connections. That would be nice.
There's another thing I realized while coming here and that is that I drove over more of half America in absolutley no time. I saw it, I passed through it and I realized how small it was. I could drive back to Colorado in as little as two days and nights. THAT'S NOTHING. So taking into consideration that half the US was just that small, I think about how tiny everything is, seeing as America is one of those big countries. In conclusion, I've deducted that it truly is a small world after all.
Oh yeah! someday, I'll go to disney world and buy you all little action figure pin-ups of all the disney princesses.
|Wednesday, November 9th, 2005|
Eternal Darkness is a COOOOOOOOOL game <333
fuck you, game cube. And your stupid controlers too.
LiveJournal for Kindra!!.